Some Humour to lighten the day


This was too funny not to post!!!!!
BEFORE MARRIAGE:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don’t even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE
:

Read from the bottom back to the top !!!

Why doesn’t the MET office just say that the rains will stop when it stop??????

Everyday it is that the MET has extended the flash flood warnings until 5pm…then when that time comes you hear it is extended again…….The rains have totally messed up my exercise program this week….and my snacking habits during this period has not helped!

Anyway under work pressure…….just needed to vent that!

Sharing this joke which made me chuckle………..

About those Church Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.” The pastor shouted out “CROSS.”
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”
The pastor hollered out “GRACE.” The congregation began to sing “AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said “POWER.” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.”

The Pastor said “SEX” The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.” 🙂

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.

Got this recently and had to share it 🙂

Doesn’t the statue seem like she enjoying this a little to much…Don’t blame the baby after all, it sure looks like food! But seriously see how the boys start from early, i bet a girl baby wudn’t have done this 🙂

babyfood11.jpg

I found this one kinda funny!

“”One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.

He whispered back, “I found the remote!”””

Now ladies, what would you do in this situation……

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Jamaican, using Bill Gates’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant.

That, my friends, is Globalization

Not sure about all the claims made above…thought it was something to think about…..

This is a little long to read but funny…..the men might not think so though 🙂

“It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the men’s Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim”

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

I know about 3 types of lying……The outright blatant lie, the lying by ommision where you dont give the whole story and the techincal lie where the answer you give is not a lie but definitley not the answer to the question you know is being asked…..The priest in the joke below is def guilty of techincal lying…………..

“A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from London. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks”Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?”

“Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?” he replies.

“Here’s the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?”

“I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie…” You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you,” and with that she hands him the hair remover.

After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father’s turn in line.

“Father, do you have anything to declare?” asks the Customs officer.

“From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son.”

Finding this answer a little strange the Customs officer proceeds to ask, “And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?”

The father replies, “I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used…”

Roaring with laughter, the Custom’s officer says, “Go right through father.
Next!”

It has been a long time since I have played a  good game of Pictionary or Taboo……This joke I got reminded me of maybe why 🙂 Seriously though, those games used to casue some serious fights!!!!

 Hey, nothing much too talk about….down with a bad sinus attack so not feeling so great….just read a joke that made me laugh so thought i would share it…..Men beware 🙂 …here goes

The man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.p>

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. ;”>The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are just not equipped for these kinds of games. 😀

Hey, This was soooooooo funny. I still haven’t learnt how to put a link on a page………..but you can copy it and put it in explorer. The radio DJ wicked though!!!!!! Jasmine nah ramp…..poor hubby, it might say something for arranged marriages though…….people you got to know what/who you getting into!

http://www.betterloverseminar.com/desi_wife_catches_husband.php

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